2 Broke Girls recap: And the Three Boys with Wood

No, this week's episode of 2 Broke Girls wasn't named after a gay porn film, although my post might make it seem otherwise. Make sure you keep reading to find out why (wow, that wasn't at all gimmicky).

Caroline is in the yard raking leaves, when Max comes back home with Chestnut saying they saw that cat they don't like. Caroline talks about how the coming of autumn is her favorite time of year, as she picks up a handful of leaves. All of a sudden, she finds a condom in it and immediately throws the leaves down. "Wow, I guess autumn really is coming," Max remarks, before presuming it was the cat who threw it over their wall. "He's not only arrogant, he wants us to know he has sex. All I know is, if I had nine lives, I wouldn't wear a condom," Max says. Ugh, quit being so wise.

Max tells Caroline that they should start figuring out what to do with Chestnut this winter, now that it's already "peak condom dropping season." Caroline is getting ready for her first date with Andy, and Max assumes they'll have sex. Caroline is unsure as she's never dated a poor guy before, so she asks Max what is acceptable on a first date. "Well, I'm pretty classy, so... anal?" Max suggests. HAAAAAAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not 8, but I laughed hysterically at this for quite a long time. Definitely topped the gag reflex joke from last week's episode. "I'm not that poor," Caroline answers, after an awkward pause.


Andy arrives, and Caroline asks Max to bring him out in the yard so he can see her in her vintage sweater next to Chestnut. Max opens the door and tells him to come outside because Miss Channing wants him to see her "looking like the girl who got cut from the J.Crew catalog for being too white." That's when he realizes she's the Caroline Channing, rather than a regular Williamsburg girl, like he initially thought. "No. She doesn't try that hard," Max says. But she changes her mind when she sees Caroline outside posing with Chestnut, indeed looking like a catalog model reject. Before leaving for his date with Caroline, Andy gives Max the Pixy Stix she had asked him for. "Yeah, definitely anal," Max says as she enjoys her Pixy Stix.

Caroline shows up at the diner a half hour late from her date with Andy. "So, did you touch his Whatchamacallit? Did you bring him to Almond Joy?" Max asks. But Caroline says that his Butterfingers got nowhere near her Mounds, even after four hours of her breathing heavily and saying seductively, "I'm having a really good time," which leads her to think he's gay. Max is not convinced, so Caroline decides to use this very same technique on Oleg, who instantly feels the urge to go to the men's room. "That proves nothing. Oleg is always looking for an excuse to put it somewhere. Why do you think we don't serve bagels anymore?" Max says. Caroline says that Andy might be into her, but he doesn't seem to want to get into her, and she thinks he just wants her as friend, but Max assures that Caroline is "80 pounds and a coke addiction shy from being qualified to be a gay guy's female friend."

Two really cute Amish boys walk into the diner, and Max thinks they're just "hipster Amish wannabes." Given that she couldn't possibly pass on the opportunity to mock hipsters, she goes up to them and says, "Look, I'm telling you what I told Mumford & Sons: get out." The boys explain that they really are Amish; they're from Pennsylvania and they're in New York on their Rumspringa, a period where they get to leave the ways of the Amish and experience the modern world. Max offers to bring the boys some coffee on her, but Jacob says coffee is "the Devil in a cup." The other boy, Jebediah (yeah, for real), says they can do whatever they want now that they're in New York. Max leaves and goes up to Caroline to tell her that they really are Amish. This reminds Caroline that Amish are known for building barns, which gives them the idea to enlist the two boys to build a barn for Chestnut.


From left: Jebediah and Jacob

Max and Caroline go back to their place with the boys. Caroline says they can sleep in her Murphy bed (the one Max hilariously said looked like a vagina in season 1). When she pulls her bed down, she realizes she left her bra in it, which makes Jacob very nervous. "At least it was her bra, mine would have killed the kid," Max jokes. Jebediah talks about his plans to get the wood for the barn in the morning, but Max notes that there seems to be plenty of wood right there, referring to Jacob's boner after seeing Caroline's bra, which he tries to hide with his hat. Hahaha, that's so cute. After the boys go outside to play with Chestnut, Caroline says she has second thoughts about hiring the boys, considering Jacob was "practically raising a barn in his pants." Max explains that it was "just a typical male reaction to a couple of hot cougars like us." All the while, Caroline is upset that Andy hasn't called or texted her. Max suggests she text him saying "hey," but when Caroline types it, it's autocorrected to "gay." "Even the phone's getting that vibe," Caroline says.


Sophie swings by the girls' apartment for a cupcake, until she notices the two puppies (as she calls them) and becomes quite the cougar herself, causing Jacob to get yet another boner. "Don't look directly at her, she's like an eclipse with boobs," Max warns him. Max and Caroline try to explain that they're just building a barn for Chestnut and it's strictly business, but Sophie misinterprets those sentences as being code for sexual activities. Finally, Caroline gives Sophie a cupcake and tells her to leave. "This is like when they cancelled Christmas in my village," Sophie laments. Andy finally texts Caroline back, using emojis of a rainbow, dollar sign and muffin. "Could be worse. I once got naked guy, naked girl, tombstone. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I immediately got tested," Max recalls.

Caroline shows up in the outfit she's
wearing for her second date with Andy: golden shorts and a see-through tank top. She plans on taking him to a bar where only cheap girls go to get laid, the one Max likes. "Oh, the Just Slip It Inn?" Max asks. Definitely sounds like the kind of place she'd want to go to. Max says that Caroline's outfit is sexy, but not foolproof. To prove her wrong, Caroline goes outside to flaunt her stuff to Jacob, who, not surprisingly, gets his third boner of the episode. "I'm not saying I'm that hot, but I've never seen anybody drop wood and get wood at the same time," she says, then leaves to get "day-laid." Jebediah asks Max if it would be okay if they took their shirts off, because they're sweating. Before he can say anything else, Max is quick to agree.


@#%$&*+((@*$&*$+#!!!!!!!!111!1!!1

"Oh, crap, I don't have any ones," Max says, clearly getting a ladyboner. She's definitely not alone—I swear I heard a choir of angels in my head as I was watching this scene. On top of that, Jebediah asks her to spray him with a water of bottle. Suddenly, Sophie shows up at her window upstairs and starts pouring water down over them with a watering can (!!!!). She also says she needs the boys to come up and fix something that broke. When Jebediah asks what's broken, Sophie comes back inside and breaks the first thing she sees. The thirst is real.

FUCK

Caroline and Andy are at the seedy bar she mentioned before, where pretty much every couple around them is making out on the dance floor, but still no move from Andy. Caroline excuses herself to call Max, who's at home with a bowl of popcorn watching the two hot, shirtless Amish boys working. "It's so horny here, I'm about to have sex with the couple at the next table, and they're both redheads, which is so gross," Caroline says. How dare you! Redheads are awesome, okay?! Max reveals that she might have persuaded Andy to ask Caroline out. "You forced a gay guy to go out with me?! Who am I, the girl with lupus at the prom?!" Caroline says. I'm not uptight, but I admit I found that line rather offensive. Hopefully it wasn't meant to be taken seriously or anything. Max is still convinced that Andy's not gay, so she decides to come down to the bar to help, since the two were really hot when Max was standing between them. Caroline tells her to hurry because she doesn't want to go home with the redheads. "Leaving here is probably a good idea anyway. If I stay any longer, I'm gonna do something I'll have to pretend to regret," Max says while shamelessly lurking behind Jebediah. I do know what you mean, sis.

Miss Black if you're nasty!

Max arrives at the bar with the Amish guys (properly clothed, unfortunately)—she was afraid to leave them home, as Sophie was running out of things to break in her apartment. Max goes with Andy to get drinks at the bar, while Jacob and Jebediah sit down with Caroline. Max tells Andy to make a move with Caroline, but he reveals he's afraid he's not good enough for her because he's just a candy store owner while she was practically a princess. "Was a princess. Now she has five pairs of underwear and hasn't done laundry in eight days," Max says. He also explains that he used emojis to buy him time to figure out what to say. Max runs to Caroline to tell her that Andy thinks she's rich and refined, which is a real "boner blocker." When Andy comes back bringing beer and nachos, Caroline, on Max's advice, starts acting cheap and unrefined: first she attempts to chug draft beer, then she announces she's going to freak dance. She takes a stuttering Jacob out on the floor, where she starts griding on him. That calls for a GIF.


I have to say, while Max has the lips and the rack (well, the general awesomeness), Caroline has dem legs. The poor boy can't handle it, and he ends up having a panic attack (Max: "Coupled with his first orgasm"). I reckon all his blood went down to his dick. "I danced an Amish boy to death!" Caroline panics. He is soon taken away by paramedics and put into an ambulance. Caroline receives more emojis from Andy—Christmas tree, fireworks and Martini glass—and she decides she's done with him. When she asks Andy what this is supposed to mean, he kisses her. "I love emojis," she says, smiling.

Jebediah wants to thank Max for everything and say goodbye before he goes with Jacob in the ambulance. He also says he met a girl in the bar and has decided to stay in New York, so he asks if she has any words of wisdom for "a kid trying to make it in the world." Here's her response: "Just know you're gonna struggle for a while. Someone's gonna ask you what time it is, and when you look at your watch, he's gonna put his penis on you. But like Dan Savage says, it gets better. Although it hasn't for me, so maybe that only applies to questioning teens. In short, there's really no point to anything, but sometimes, you get to eat candy or have sex, and that's when it all feels right." That was really beautiful and inspiring, even if she mentioned Dan Savage. When Max turns around, she's faced with the condom-throwing cat. She attempts to fend the cat off, but when the cat starts hissing at her, she accepts defeat gracefully and then takes off running not so gracefully.


Current total: $1328.00

This seems to be the most morally ambiguous 2 Broke Girls episode I've seen so far—and I absolutely loved every second of it. Also, I'm strangely turned on by this whole Amish thing. Hopefully, when I go to New York, I'll bump into some hot, unexperienced Amish dudes as well, so I can both mock them and sexually entice them. But please, no fugly beards. Hey, Brittany, do you happen to know any from Pennsylvania?

P.S.: Oh, look, I've just run across this article from the Parents Television Council. Gotta love 'em. "2 Broke Girls rightfully deserves the title of Worst TV Show of the Week." Seems like someone hasn't been getting any lately. Well, here's something you guys rightfully deserve as well:


The funny thing is, they didn't even mention the lupus joke, which was the only thing I found remotely offensive about this episode. Whatever, I'll just stick to what I always say: whiners are wieners.

Comments

  1. dude, Amish boys can be cute. I won't lie. when I worked in downtown Erie one summer I used to see them doing landscaping all the time and it's sweet how shy they get. I'll find one 4 u next month. cross my heart and hope to die.

    also I think they likely peak at 19.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yay!!!!! thanks, sis. preferably white with some nice abs, heh. I just love messin' with the shy ones.

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