6 Things That Will Happen Before Leonardo DiCaprio Wins an Oscar

6.) The Kardashians will decide to embrace an Amish lifestyle.

5.)Miley Cyrus will announce her celibacy

I actually may regret saying that.

4.) I will successfully complete a push-up.

3.) The Internet will collectively get bored of Jennifer Lawrence.

(I have no clue, J.Law.)

2.) Vladimir Putin will resign from politics to become an organic beet farmer in Siberia.

(he's going to live forever, I think.)

1.) Beyonce will write a guest post for the Useless Critic. It will be about the work of Jonathan Franzen.

I haven't been posting a lot because honestly, I've been depressed and distracted. Sry.