Andy & Terry & Arlene—Terry is just minding his own business, when Andy’s fae daughters discover that he murdered his friend Patrick. They can read minds and all that. Arlene comes in and scolds them. Of course Terry is ready to crack.
Andy comes in and puts the girls to bed. And then they grow up some more. Now they’re slutty teenagers! And it’s every teenaged girl’s fantasy to go out and get drunk and party, right? They raid Arlene’s closet and steal Andy’s squad car. Wow, those guys must be heavy sleepers, cause these girls are not being subtle at all. (For more on the fae girls’ excellent adventure, see Bill and Jess’ segment.)
Andy rallies the troops that morning. He can’t really give a good description since they could be fully grown by now. He and Terry and Arlene bicker amongst themselves, but realize they’re all to blame.
That night, Andy and Jason investigate the missing squad car and find it at the very same convenience store. After the creepy clerk shows signs of being charmed, Jason and Andy have a good idea of where the girls might be.
Bill and Jess—These two are hot on the trail of some barely legal fae nookie. The four fae teens stop in a convenience store to pick up some beer. Turns out they don’t have any ID, on account of them being supernatural.
Bill is about to head in, but Jess doesn’t trust him to control himself. Besides, he can’t charm them anyway, if Sookie is any indication. How quickly we forget...
Just as the skanky clerk can trick the girls into the back room, Jess swoops in and charms the guy into forgetting them. She then turns on her long-buried teen speak, and convinces the girls to come with her and her friend Bill.
|Bill Compton: A face you can always trust.|
Back at the mansion, Bill get some fae blood from one of the fae girls and takes the sample downstairs to Dr. Takahashi. He wants the doc to map the genetic code of the fae. An intriguing premise. What is it about fae blood that makes it so special? Remember that Sookie doesn’t have a blood type.
Bill later returns to find that Takahashi is baffled. It’s unlike anything he’s seen. It has a horribly short half life, then it turns into plain old blood. He’d need more to figure it out. No problemo, Bill says. He’s got plenty more upstairs.
Or maybe he doesn’t. You see, while Bill was getting all sciency, with the doc, Jess was busy trying to corral the four fae girls. They were getting bored playing goth dress up and smoking, and not to mention their dad was probably out looking for them, so they decided to leave.
“You smell like honey,” Jess says, fangs out. Bill comes upstairs to find Jess crouched on the floor, the bodies of the fae girls scattered around her. Talk about trust.
Eric—He and Pam are on Tara’s trail. They find her in a sewer? Aqueduct? Regardless, Eric nearly kills Tara in his interrogation. She gives up Willa’s location.
Meanwhile, Ginger is still on the phone, trying to stall for time. They pump her house full of silver nitrate (or whatever it’s called) and she screams. They break down the door and she screams. Burell questions her, and Ginger is still trying to stall him on the phone. They arrest her and take her to the Camp. Oh, and she screams. Can I just say that Ginger is my favorite minor character on this show and if she dies...well not much will change, but True Blood will be a less-hilarious show without her.
Eric finds Willa easy enough. He asks why she stayed here instead of running? She gives him more pro-vampire blah blah and she wants to help him. In any way she can.
Alright then, get in this empty grave, Eric says. Willa’s nervous that he’s going to have his way with her, and he sort of does, just not in the way she thinks. He drinks her blood, letting a lot of it seep out, then he takes her crucifix necklace and stabs himself in the neck. Because that isn’t heavy handed or anything. And then he makes her drink...
They wake the next evening, and Willa is riding the euphoria of being a new vamp. Then Eric’s true motives become clear. He commands her to go back to her father. Make him see that vampire’s aren’t the enemy.
That is pretty twisted, even for Eric. It is also kind of awesome. That’s why we love, Eric, right? Because he does all the stuff no one else will to further his own ambitions.
Willa finds her dad and Sara together. At first things seem to go well, until Willa smells blood. It’s not her fault, she’s a baby vamp, she can’t control her bloodlust. But Sara shoots her, and they ship Willa off to—you guessed it—the Camp.
You know who else is going to the Camp? Pam. See, she and Tara are trying to get home, making their way through a quiet town at night. They bicker about humans and how Tara still loves them (she’s only a few months old, give her a break). “This is war,” Pam says. Tara runs away just before the vampire SWAT team captures Pam. Well, shit.
Sam—Our favorite shifter—and our only living shifter on this show at the moment—and Emma and Nicole make their way to Lafayette, who’s waiting in the getaway car. Now that things have gone a bit sideways no thanks to Nicole, Sam decides to go on the run with her and Emma. He tells Lafayette to go home, because having him do anything on this show is apparently too much for the writers to handle.
Nicole wonders how they’ll get anywhere with her injured leg and a child in tow. That’s when Sam strips down—YES—and turns into a stallion.
Later, Sam and Nicole have a pity party for themselves, mourning the loss of their respective partners. (I’m still pissed/in denial that Luna is really dead.) Oh, and then they kiss.
Moving on, Alcide and his pack decide to pull up stakes and hunt down Emma and Sam. Ricky again protests. As to why Alcide isn’t listening to her is anyone’s guess.
|Anyone for packmaster Ricky?|
The Stackhouses—Sookie and Ben help an unconscious Jason to the couch, and while Sookie goes to call 911, Ben stays with him. And bares his fangs. And bites his arm. And gives Jason some vampire blood. Hello Warlow.
|Who knew Warlow would be this sexy?|
Niall chases Nora down and she tells him that the vampire bible was wrong. It’s not the “people” who will usher in Lilith’s return, it’s her “progeny.” And then Niall zaps her with his laser hands and she’s thrown out of the forest and into the road, where the vampire SWAT team is waiting. Not a SWAT team comprised of vampires, but the new anti-vampire human SWAT team that Burell set up. Just so we’re clear.
At the house, Niall informs Sookie and Ben of this, but it doesn’t seem like any of them are really invested in Nora’s well-being. Ben leaves, much to Sookie’s dismay.
Oh, and Jason’s fine, by the way, doing pull-ups and shit. Guess he doesn’t remember what it feels like to be high on V. And you’d think Sookie would remember, too. But it’s not until she’s cleaning up that she finds some blood on the floor. Blood that has a particular glow to it...
Meanwhile, Jason finds himself shaving...with Ben. Oh, you clever show and your homoerotic vampire dreams! I really wish we’d get to see more of this dream, but unfortunately Jason’s massive boner jolts him awake.
|The very definition of a tease.|
Next morning, Sookie shows up at Ben’s motel room. She feels bad about all the stuff that’s been happening, but wants to thank him for helping out by having him over for dinner. Might she have ulterior motives? I mean, why else would someone pick up a bottle of colloidal silver amongst all their other groceries?
Jason talks about his dream with grandpa Niall, who can’t blame him for having a sex dream about Ben; he is handsome, after all. But then they realize it’s because of vampire blood, not Jason’s repressed homosexuality (dammit!).
The only one who could have given him V is Ben, but he doesn’t seem like a vampire, what with the whole not bursting into flames in the day and not needing an invitation thing. Niall reminisces about his days in expositionland, where he heard tell of an abomination between fae and vampire...a faepire? They decide to investigate for themselves.
So while Sookie is out getting ready to cook dinner, Jason and Niall take the fight to Ben/Warlow. They storm into Ben’s motel room as he gets into the shower. Niall blasts the room with his magic fae fireball, but misses. Ben knocks him out and charms the pants off of Jason—not literally, unfortunately—and makes him forget all of this. He also commands Jason to stay away from Sookie’s place tonight. After Jason leaves, Ben begins the process of draining Niall’s blood, but not actually swallowing it. For shame, letting all that precious blood go to waste. Methinks he can’t ingest fae blood?
|Or maybe Rutger Hauer's blood tastes like pure moonshine?|
After lacing the food with silver, Sookie gets all sexed up. But Ben’s late. Why? Because he has to take care of Niall by tossing him into the hell dimension he was stuck in until recently. But before that Ben tells him, in true villain style, that he was the one that killed Niall’s parents. Dun Duuun DUUUUUN.
He makes it to Sookie’s with flowers, wine, and his best set of puppy-dog eyes. Sookie wants to expose him as a faepire, so she’s all smiles. He eats her food all up, with nary an ill side-effect. So she mentions her ex was a vampire. Ben is unfazed. “What is it about me that you want?”
Ben plays coy, like he doesn’t want to suck out her faerie soul. So they move to the living room, where Sookie puts on some painfully appropriate Etta James and mounts Ben. They start making out hard core, and for a moment I’m concerned that Sookie has given up her ruse. Has she fallen for him?! Silly me, this is Sookie we’re talking about. “Get the fuck off me, Warlow,” she says as she holds a magic ball of fae destruction over his head.
Okay, hear me out here, everyone. I'm actually enjoying this season! Sookie seems to be back to her old awesome self, Bill and Eric are up to no good, and Sam...well Sam was naked this episode! So yay!
But this is the first time in the past two seasons that I've felt invested in finding out what happens next. Sure, all the storylines are all going to link up at this Camp, but that might be cool. Vampires, werewolves/shifters, and fae versus the humans? I'm officially on board for that! And who knows, they've been misdirecting us fairly well this season, so maybe things will get even more strange.
See you bitches next week for episode 5, "Fuck the Pain Away." (An amazing song by Peaches, by the way. Check it out!)