2 Broke Girls recap: And the Worst Selfie Ever

First of all, exciting news for us, Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 fans: ABC announced on Thursday that the eight unaired episodes of the show will be available online starting May 17 on ABC.com, iTunes, and Hulu!! I can't wait! I'm so glad I'll finally get some much-deserved, post-cancellation closure. In the meantime, here's my belated recap of this week's episode of the recently renewed 2 Broke Girls.

The girls are excited about their purchases at the Under a Dollar store—Caroline bought new sheets, while Max got herself a steak and a "steak-eating chair." Classy. However, Caroline accidentally rips her sheets after using fabric softener to wash it. "Thread count: Yes. Washing instructions: Do not wash," Caroline reads from the tag. Max's chair also rips when she sits on it. "Instructions: Do not sit," Max reads from the label. That is one hell of a witty store.

In the morning, Max wakes up to find a candy trail outside her bedroom. She is soon surprised to find Caroline in bed with Andy. After he goes to the bathroom, Max asks Caroline if they're back together, but Caroline claims it's just a one-time thing. As Caroline gets out of bed wrapped in her sheets, Max calls her "the Greek goddess of booty calls, Aphro-whitey." Andy has to leave, and Caroline is not sure how to behave in this situation since it's her very first booty call, so she asks Max for advice. "I usually wave at him with my arm clenched, 'cause I'm hiding his wallet in it," Max says. Caroline ends up awkwardly saluting him goodbye.

Caroline wants to text Andy for another booty call after work, followed by a "booty breakfast." "As president of the Casual Sex Society, local chapter, I call bull on your booty," Max says. Caroline insists it's just a booty call, but Max knows better: "You think that booty breakfast will maybe lead to a booty dinner then maybe booty engaged and booty married and have a couple booty kids and a booty retirement home and then booty die together." Suddenly, Caroline begins to clench her legs, saying she feels something down there. "Yeah, you woke it up, now it's hungry. But you don't take it back to the same restaurant," Max wisely says.

Han comes in wearing a suit and bow tie—he is expecting a date he met online. A blonde girl walks into the diner looking for Han, but as soon as she sees him, she realizes she left something in her car and tells him she will be right back. Han wonders if she's coming back. "Jesus is coming back before she is," Earl replies. A heartbroken Han insists their profiles matched perfectly, so the girls look at his profile. "That's the hot Asian star from Hawaii Five-0," Caroline says. Max decides to help him find the right girl. Caroline wants to text Andy about getting back together, but Max breaks the news to her that he is seeing someone—well, a few someones. Caroline connects her itch to those possible lady friends of his.

Back in the apartment, Caroline browses WebMD to figure out her situation. Max is particularly appalled by a photo submitted by Jen from New Rochelle. Caroline says it's just a rash, although Dr. Web thinks it might be herpes. Since Caroline can't bend over to see it, Max offers to take a look, but Caroline doesn't feel comfortable showing Max her vagina, and instead decides to take a selfie with her iPhone 3. "And that's how Kim Kardashian became famous," Max points out. Caroline even uses a filter on the photo before letting Max see it. When Sophie drops by, she immediately notices that Caroline has the "herp walk." She offers to check it out as well, as she was a nurse back in Poland. "You've heard of Doctors Without Borders? Well, we were Nurses Without Credentials." Max shows her the picture, and Caroline decides she will go to a free clinic. "You better run, don't herp walk," Sophie taunts.

At the free clinic, Caroline tells the sassy black receptionist, Shirley (played by Kym Whitley), that she needs to be tested for herpes. Upon finding out that the blood test costs $250, Caroline decides to ask Andy for a loan. If that wasn't tragic enough, Max runs into a really cute but somewhat sketchy guy she hooked up with once, prompting her to grab a sexual history form to possibly get tested, too.

While waiting for Andy at a coffee shop, Max is having a comically hard time tracking her sexual history list. Andy comes in and Caroline shows him the picture of her presumably infected vag, which Max calls the "worst selfie ever." Meanwhile, Max herself is unsure whether she slept with the bartender. "He is my type, and yet, he has a job, so he's not." Andy assures that since they broke up, he has only had safe sex with two women. He says he will go get tested nonetheless, and advises Caroline not to go to the worst-case scenario. She is convinced that if they both have herpes, no one else will want them, so they might as well get married. "'You gave me herpes, now you have to marry me.' You wanna save that gold for our wedding vows?" Andy jokes. "If you don't use it, I will," Max says.

At the diner, Caroline is anxious about her test results, having already called the clinic a dozen times. Shirley walks in, and even though she's not allowed to give Caroline the results without a doctor, she finds a way of telling her in codes that she is clean and it was probably an allergic reaction to the cheap fabric softener she used to wash her sheets. As for Max, she will go to the clinic the next day as she is waiting for a call back from John Mayer (LOL). Another girl walks into the diner looking for Han—it's the girl Max set him up with. And she's none other than Jen from New Rochelle. Caroline is in shock, but Max jokes that it could just be an allergic reaction to her laundry detergent.

Max comes home with her test results—surprisingly enough, she is totally clean. She helps Caroline realize that ever since the cupcake business closed, she is using Andy to fill a hole (cue double entendre). Caroline declares that they have to restart their business, and this time, they have to give it their all. Sophie shows up with a solution to Caroline's problem: "Just don't tell anyone!" Caroline says she doesn't have herpes, to which Sophie yells, "That's it! That's the way to do it! Problem solved."

Current total: $205.00


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