Songs That Won't Set Any Mood for Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming up and I hope you have plans. Like a fat hooker named Marta coming in from Youngstown to knead your flesh like dough. Perhaps you will dine on a tub of better alone, weeping. Or perhaps you are one of those fortunate people who will be celebrating love with the one you love.  Anyway: Godspeed.


Last year, we all made our Valentine's Day playlists, some in jest and some in earnest. This year- I'm trying a different approach (and solo I guess). 

So, if you want to establish a truly romantic experience, please avoid these songs by any means:

Michael Bolton need not touch anyone ANYWHERE. Plus, who the hell says "can I touch you there?" midsex? Really? No! Get away from my elbow!!!!

Would you kick that man out of bed for his dreads? All I can think about is "Bruno."

"Puppy Love" will not get you laid. FYI.

Depressing music should be avoided. Or whatever. It's your call bro.

Nico should also be avoided, unless your Valentine's Day plans involve falling down a well. 


Who could forget this classic from Eamon? Who could forget Eamon? ....

Enjoy your Valentine's Day kids! Remember:  Use protection! And no one likes crabs but in salads!