2 Broke Girls recap: And the Pre-Approved Credit Card

And we are back, bitches. This week's episode of 2 Broke Girls was originally scheduled to air last week, but as most of you may know, due to the unfortunate circumstances of Hurricane Sandy on the East Coast, CBS and The CW were forced to air reruns of their Monday night programming instead of new episodes, which were postponed to last Monday. God, what a terrible disaster. Hopefully I'll be able to provide some comic relief with another one of my special recaps. For some reason I feel weird posting on Saturdays, and as I've probably said before, I really wish I could post these earlier, but I'm usually busy. And lazy. And a perfectionist. Sometimes all at the same time.

This episode opens with Max in the freezer trying to light a lipstick, which prompts Caroline to ask if she's smoking crack. "I can't afford crack. I'm at the end of my good lipstick and I can't afford to buy a new one so I'm going all Breaking Bad," Max explains. "Breaking Bad? We're more like broke and sad," Caroline says. Meanwhile, one of Caroline's heels is starting to wobble, so Max hands her a piece of gum and says, "Here, stick this in and hold it. I swear I've said that before, but I don't think it was about shoes." You and I both, hun.

As the girls step outside, some buffed-up jerk is impatiently asking for the food he and his fellow meatball ordered. "'Where's the food?' Where's your neck?" Max snarks. "I wasn't listening, I was looking at your boobs," the guy says. "Well, I do what I can, but they'll never be as big as yours," she retorts before walking away like a boss. While bringing the guys' orders, Caroline accidentally trips on her wobbling heel and drops the food all over them. "Those are the biggest balls those guys have had in their laps since they started steroids," Max says of the literal meatballs that fell on one of the figurative meatballs. I wanna be her so bad.

As a result of her broken heel, Caroline masking-taped her Christian Louboutin to her leg. Sophie swings by for a visit, and upon learning that Caroline broke her shoe, she pulls her "gym shoes" (i.e., a pair of glittery high-heeled sandals) out of her purse and hands them to Caroline, who says she still has one pair of her own shoes to wear. "You should take them, you'll make $20 just walking to work," Max wittily remarks. Sophie also gives the girls their mail that got mixed in with hers, then leaves.

Caroline, going through the mail, finds a letter addressed to Max. "Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife," Max says. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Best. Quote. Of. The. Episode. Actually, they've been pre-approved for a credit card, and all they have to do is go online and apply and they'll be approved in under two minutes. But Max says she can't have a credit card because of her lack of self-control. Max notices a spinning wheel on the computer screen while their application is being processed. "It's finding out everything about us. Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars. Now it's finding out I got fired from eight Dairy Queens. Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight Dairy Queens," she says. LOL. And they've been approved!

Max is still skeptical, but Caroline says they need this card for their business, and suggests they keep an open dialogue about every purchase. "So, opening dialogue: For our business, I would like a pair of Louboutins," she adds, making a hand gesture as if literally opening a dialogue. "Opening dialogue: No. And I felt stupid miming that, I hate the arts," Max replies. Caroline insists that she needs a new pair of shoes for business meetings. "You know what they say, 'Dress for the job you want, not the job you have,'" she says. "If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want. I hope you're happy with an apartment full of lizards and lipstick. Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick," Max says.

At the diner, Earl tells Max that his son Darius is coming to town to visit him. Caroline arrives with their credit cards that just came in the mail! Max asks about the shoes and lizards they had talked about earlier, but Caroline reminds her they have to be responsible with the credit card. Darius (guest star Cedric the Entertainer) shows up looking for Earl, and Max is so excited to meet him. Caroline explains that she's not usually this nice to customers, and Max tells her that he's not a customer. "Don't you see the resemblance?" she asks. "Oh, my God, is he your father?" Caroline asks, somewhat awkwardly. This made me laugh so hard! "Yes. He's my father. And my mother is a piece of chalk," Max jokes. Earl comes out of the kitchen and greets his son with a hug.

Max, Earl, Darius, and Han sit down to catch up. To cut a long story short, Darius announces that he quit his job at the Chrysler dealership in Detroit to pursue his dream to become a comedian (much to Earl's disbelief), which is why he's in town—to audition at the Comedy Club, using the stage name "Darius the Hilarious." He also crammed a few jokes into the conversation, most of them ending with the annoying tagline "You've gotta laugh." To Caroline's misfortune, yet another one of her heels breaks and she spills Darius' soup on the shirt he was going to wear for his audition. After Darius leaves to clean up his shirt, Max says they have to buy him a new shirt, but Caroline says they can't afford it, so Max suggests they go shopping for a reasonable shirt, claiming they have to do it because "he's family."

The girls head down to the subway, with Caroline wearing Sophie's glittery shoes, since she refuses to wear flat shoes. But Sophie's shoes are a few sizes too big for Caroline, causing her to lose her balance and subsequently touch the floor. "How do I know someone didn't pee here?!" she exclaims, freaking out. "Oh, honey, I've peed here. This is New York, it's made of pee," Max says. Max indicates the store where they're meeting Darius, Subway Style. Darius is already in the fitting room trying a shirt on. A few minutes later, he comes out of the fitting room wearing a pink shirt, making a gay joke about his "boyfriend" liking him in pink. Caroline decides to call him out on his potentially offensive material, but Darius explains that this is not the kind of stuff he's going to do in his act tonight, as he wrote some real jokes with a Jewish comic back home. Before Caroline can say anything, Max defends him saying that "it's so wrong it's right." Darius decides to try out his new material, telling a lame Smart Car joke. Max reacts with a fake laugh. After Darius goes back into the fitting room, Max tells Caroline that he "stinks on ice," but she's worried about him bombing tonight in front of Earl. When the salesman comes back offering a suit to the girls, Max realizes that Darius needs a funny suit, as all the professional comedians wear them. Caroline also suggests a puppet.

At the Comedy Club, Max and the gang are waiting for Darius the Hilarious to hit the stage. Max and Caroline go to Darius' dressing room to show him the puppet they got him, a beaver named—wait for it—Justin Beaver. "You don't even have to be funny because Justin Beaver does the work for you. Show him, Max," Caroline says, handing the puppet to Max. "I'm straight," Max says, playing with the puppet. "You gotta laugh!" both girls say, cracking up. "Do I? I mean, honestly? Making fun of Justin Beaver's sexuality? I find that a tad offensive," Darius says. Their reaction is priceless:

Gotta love those "invisible penis" moments

Darius goes onstage, and he opens his act with the lame Smart Car joke—yes, ending with the "You gotta laugh" tagline. No one laughs. Then he starts offending the audience, first Han ("I can see why you would defend the Smart Car. It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in"), then some random "gray-haired scrub" ("Apparently black do crack. Hey, Don King called—said he want his whole head back"). That's when everyone starts laughing. Caroline tells Max how proud Earl looks. "Hey, hey, hey, blondie. You mind not talking until I finish? Wait a minute. You're probably just thinking, 'Oh, my God, shoes, shoes, hairbrush, shoes,'" Darius jokes about Caroline. She even admits that she actually was thinking about shoes! A waitress tells Max that her card has been declined (she had ordered a round of drinks for everyone at her table).

Earl says he's happy for what Max did to help Darius, so he decides to reimburse her for the clothes and the puppet. Having just talked to Visa, Caroline tells Max that apparently they were disappointed they had pre-approved them. After Max shows her credit card cut in two, the girls reveal that they both used their cards to make one last purchase for each other: Caroline bought Max "the fanciest lipstick Payless had," while Max got Caroline's shoes fixed. When it's time to cut up Caroline's card, she suggests they keep one card for business emergencies and put it someplace where they'll never be tempted to reach for it. Guess which place she chose?

Yep, Oleg's pants.

Current total: $1128.00

I have to say, I have mixed feelings about this episode. I mean, it's a grower and it does have its moments, but overall I didn't find it to be quite as strong as the previous episodes. I wonder if some of it could be a response to the show's detractors, who are constantly whining about its allegedly racist humor (or whatever other petty reason they have to hate it). This became apparent to me in the scene where Max defends Darius' racist jokes saying "it's so wrong it's right." Or perhaps I might be reading too much into it. Either way, I'm sure everything will be back on track next week.

Oh, remember that headband hottie from last week's episode I was swooning over?

Well, I've recently found out that the actor's name is John Ruby. (I might have a little too much time on my hands.)

What a total babe. Coincidentally, he also made a cameo on last week's Halloween episode of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (which I also love, as you might already know), playing a guy in a fireman costume. Also, can you believe he's 35? John, if you're reading this, HIT A HO UP.

No one else probably cares, but I do, so... Whatever.

On a side note, my
review of Ellie Goulding's album Halcyon is still in the making. As I said in the beginning of the post, I'm fucking lazy. Hopefully, it'll be up by the end of this upcoming week. BYE.


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