2 Broke Girls recap: And the Egg Special

After work, Han gathers the gang to divvy up stuff from the lost-and-found box, like they do every month. "If my dignity's in there, tell it I say 'What up,'" Max says with her usual self-deprecating humor. Among the items is an empty pregnancy test box (Max: "I had two free minutes and you never know") and a wallet with no money in it (Max: "If I was pregnant, I needed it for the baby"). And finally, for the sixth month in a row, the wig. It is Han's turn to take a picture wearing it, as he is the only one who hasn't done it yet. Shortly after he puts it on, a bald man comes in asking if he left his toupee there. "Take the picture quick", Max tells Caroline.

Caroline comes back from the library with the latest issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine so they can check if they're mentioned in it, since Martha said she hadn't forgotten about them. The girls start flicking through the pages (Max: "'How to make him love your salmon.' 'How to make him love your stretch marks.' Hey, he just doesn't love you"), and Max almost doesn't notice that they did get a mention. It's a blurb praising Max's Homemade Cupcakes as a "Williamsburg must-have," which makes Max smile—something she doesn't do very often. Caroline gets a text message, and she thinks it's Andy wondering if she's coming over to have sex that night, but actually, it's several cupcake orders, including one for a bris. "I'll just make a little rosette foreskin and write around the outside, 'Congratulations on not terrifying women in 20 years,'" Max says. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what my opinion is on this particular matter, but I have to agree that some uncut ones do look rather off-putting. Anyway...

When Max and Caroline swing by Andy's store to share the great news, he informs them that the soup kitchen across the way closed down after a shooting spree took place there earlier that night, which apparently stemmed from a drug deal gone wrong. He says he heard it was a real bloodbath, which obviously makes Max extra excited to check it out. She rushes over to the soup kitchen, rips off the police tape and opens the door with a credit card. Caroline and Andy are grossed out by all that blood splattered everywhere, while Max gleefully exclaims that that's the greatest thing she's ever seen. "Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram! People are gonna be like, 'Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?!'" Max exclaims. The whole thing makes Andy queasy, so he goes back to his store.

Caroline realizes it would be a great space for their cupcake shop. "We can put our red velvets over there by the random skull fragments. Besides, I thought our shop was gonna be in Manhattan," Max says. Caroline explains that Manhattan's over (no, it's not, and never will), and Williamsburg is the new hot area, plus Martha's blurb says they're a Williamsburg must-have. When Max asks where they're going to get the money, Caroline points out that "when people die, it's a buyer's market." She also mentions that there are places set up by women specifically to support other women's small businesses. Caroline is excited about getting their dream, and Max says Caroline looks like she wants a hug, to which she agrees. But they just stand there awkwardly, and after a few seconds, Caroline runs out to dry-hump Andy.

Am I watching the sitcom version of Dexter?

Max goes to one of the women-friendly places to apply for a business loan. Their name gets called 20 minutes earlier, and Caroline hasn't showed up yet. Max is interviewed by a rather impatient elderly woman, but without Caroline, she struggles through most of it. Just when the woman leans under the desk to get a new application, Caroline runs in, rambling about the great sex she's been having with Andy: "This morning, I could not get enough of his—" The woman gets up with a puzzled look on her face. "Projected growth ratio investment analysis," Caroline continues, much aware of her comic faux pas. "Why didn't you tell me she was under there?" Caroline asks Max. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting a monologue from Confessions of a Call Girl," Max replies. HAHAHA. The woman glances over the girls' proposal, but ultimately denies them the loan because they have no business history. "I thought you guys were about supporting small women's business. And this small woman's 'bidness' needs support after the pounding it took today," Max hilariously protests before the two leave.

Max browsed through Craigslist's "Etc" section and found all kinds of opportunities to make some cash—including a guy who wants his armpits smelled and some weirdo looking for pretty amputees—but what really caught her attention was an ad looking for egg donors, which pays 10 to 20 grand. Caroline says she could never sell her eggs, while Max says she would sell them all for the right price. Caroline asks if Max wouldn't like to be a mother someday. In response, Max challenges Caroline to cite one example of a really good mother in the history of the world. "All I can think of is Hilary Duff," Caroline replies. That was funny. Caroline suggests asking Sophie for money, although Max feels weird doing it. They go up to her apartment with a few cupcakes, only to find Oleg completely naked in the middle of the room! After Oleg goes inside (covering his junk with pillows), the girls ask Sophie for money, but she has two rules in life: "Never drink from the same well as a gypsy and never lend money to friends," forcing them to resort to egg donation.

"That's exactly what I thought would be on the other side of that door," Max says

At the clinic, Caroline asks Max about what is asked on the application. "You know, income, hobbies, 'Did you ever have sex in Africa?' I wish. The closest I ever got was a dude once put his hand up my skirt in an Ethiopian restaurant," Max replies. This kinda reminded me of our friend Nader. A female doctor shows up saying Max's application has been denied, explaining that they're looking for girls that come from Ivy League schools and have impressive family backgrounds. Caroline comes to Max's defense, and winds up mentioning she went to Wharton. The doctor says they pay $20,000 for Ivy League eggs, which makes Caroline the perfect candidate to become a donor.

As part of the process, they have to take Caroline's blood, which she's okay with until the doctor comes back with no less than eight vials. Caroline starts getting a little jumpy and asks Max to hold her hand, but Max reminds her that she doesn't hold hands. "Oh, you lesbians are so high-maintenance," the doctor says. Caroline is worried about giving away her best egg ("I'm not gonna give away the concert pianist and get stuck with the guy who breaks into homes and smells women's underwear?"), and Max says she doesn't have to do this, but Caroline is willing to do this for their future, so she tells the doctor to put the needle in. When the doctor says it's already in, Caroline instantly panics as she rips the needle off her arm, causing her blood to spurt across the wall! Amidst the confusion, she accidentally bumps into a nurse carrying a few vials of blood, which end up splattered all over the wall. "You know what would be cute here? A cupcake store," Max mocks.

Yep, definitely Dexter

At the diner, Caroline can't help her disappointment in not getting the shop. Max consoles her saying that there will be another space: "I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?" Gotta love her dark humor. "Someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money. I say that because, if you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone," Max says. Awww. The girls find this someone sooner than expected: When Sophie pays for her takeout, she writes the girls a check for $20,000, on the condition that they keep giving free cupcakes to her. Yay! The girls are astonished. "I feel like you want a hug," Caroline says. "I do," Max replies. Caroline pretends to walk away in indifference, but quickly turns around and the two hug. I love these girls.

Current total: $21,328.00 (holy shit!!)

That was one blood-soaked episode. 2 Broke Girls simply has to be one of the ballsiest, most envelope-pushing shows on network TV. Keep it cumming, gals.

P.S.: This week's episode of New Girl was titled "Eggs." Coincidence?