2 Broke Girls recap: And the Hold-Up

Caroline says how she can't wait to go home and illegally download some documentary about performance art. Max, on the other hand, is more in the mood for watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Well, Honey Boo Boo is actually kinda cute, but her mother... I can't, or I'll throw up. Anyway, Caroline explains that it's about Marina Abramović (!!), and that she did a piece her boyfriend called Confrontation, where they just slapped each other's faces for days. "My mom and her boyfriend did that too, but they called it 'Who smoked the last cigarette,'" Max says, in another reference to her troubled upbringing. Caroline insists that it was pure art, and Max suggests they do a little art right now, before slapping Caroline's face. Caroline laughs and then slaps Max back, Max laughs and then slaps Caroline back, and so on. "What are they doing?" Han asks, watching the girls from the kitchen. "I think they might be doing a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey," Oleg replies. They keep slapping each other until Caroline tells Max to stop. A few seconds later, though, Max gives Caroline one last slap. "That's for suggesting we make a lip-synch video to 'Call Me Maybe,'" she says. I would have loved to see how this would come out.

Han is upset about his mother in Korea working his last nerve, having just spoken with her on the phone. Max tells him that he can't let his mother keep bullying him: "Stand up to her. You're a 53-year-old man." A confused Han reveals that he's actually 29. "What?!" Max exclaims, adding, "What do you got, a case of the Benjamin Buttons?" When Han asks Caroline (who also lets out a "What?!" at such shocking revelation) what makes her think he's older, she says, "Well, everything—your hair, your clothes, the $5 check you gave me for my birthday." A weird man in suit walks into the diner, and Max goes up to serve him. The man asks her if she wants to live. "Actually, today, I could go either way," she quips in response. But the man is not in a joking mood: after implying he has a gun in his pocket, he hands Max a bag, and orders her to go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse.

Sadly, that's not the bulge I would normally hope for

Max goes up to Caroline saying she has something to tell her, and advises her not to react. "I knew you were gonna get pregnant. Damn it! All right, fine. We'll get through this together." HAHAHAH. Max warns Caroline that they're being robbed and the guy in the suit might have a gun. Caroline obviously freaks out: "I can't believe this is happening—just when I saved $2! Max, I can't die, and I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform! I mean, it looks good on you." Max notices the tense yet comic look on Caroline's face and thinks she's having a heart attack. She's peeing, actually, and she can't stop! The man tells Caroline to step out from behind the counter, but she says she can't because, well, she's still peeing. Oleg comes out of the kitchen to rescue the girls, but he ends up slipping on Caroline's pee. Seeing that the robber is clearly running out of patience, Caroline, in an act of desperation, tells him to take Max instead of her, which shocks Max.

The invisible penis attacks again. Remember last episode?

Han shows up wearing a "manny pack" (a fanny pack for men, in case you didn't get it), and when he learns there's a robbery going on, he asks if he can take out his prayer beads before the robber takes anything, but instead pulls out a gun out of his fanny pack! "You're in my house now, bitch!" he says. I certainly did not see that coming.

Later on, after taking the stolen items out of the bag, Max jokes that she couldn't find Caroline's dignity in it. Caroline justifies herself saying she urinated because of the trauma. In response, Max says, "You might need some counseling. I could drop you off at a therapist on the way to my 'I was a human shield' support group," referring to how Caroline offered the robber to take Max in order to protect herself. Amidst the stolen items, Caroline finds a coupon for free movie popcorn. Max says she'll take her to the movies the next day for free, as she's been sneaking into theaters since she was 2. "I crawled into The Little Mermaid with a sack full of Cheerios and a baby bottle full of Diet Coke." It's official: Max is giving Chuck Norris a run for his money.

The following day, Max is still upset about the fact that Caroline used her as a human shield, but Caroline is surprised she's even affected by this. "Weren't you shot as a baby? I feel like you told me that," she asks. Actually, what Max told her was that she drank shots as a baby, because her mother hated to drink alone. Caroline asks how they are going to sneak into the movies for free. "We just go right up in the usher's face, make an excuse, and then boldly walk with purpose," Max reveals. After Caroline suggests and demonstrates her awkward "Eliza Doolittle before she was civilized" walk, Max shows how it's really done. Pay attention, everyone:

Walk, walk, walk, hair flip, walk, walk

I'm so going to try this out the next time I go to the movies. Let's see if Caroline can pull it off:

"Good, but easy on the hair flip, Willow Smith," Max says, reminding us of that god-awful song we wish had never existed. Sophie drops by to visit the girls, with a batch of pee jokes like "You must be very pissed," and "On a scale of one to ten, you're an eight. Get it? Urinate." She says Oleg told her about the incident when they were upstairs playing "hide the penis," Wait, how come I never heard of this game before? When Caroline says she and Max are going to a movie, Sophie jokes, "What are you seeing, something rated 'pee pee 13'?"

As they arrive at the movies, the girls put their sneaking-in plans into action: Max asks the usher if they could just run back into the theater for a second, because she left her iPhone in there, and the prescription for Caroline's anti-seizure medication (LOL) is on it, before doing the "walk, walk, walk, hair flip, walk, walk" shenanigan. They head to the snack counter, where the clerk is called Hallelujah. No, seriously, that's his name. Max asks Hallelujah if he could make a fresh batch of popcorn, but it takes ten minutes, and the movie is about to start. Behind her is a trio of nerdy boys, with one of them telling Max to hurry up because he doesn't want to miss the opening scene. Being her usual badass, she decides to give him a piece of her mind: "Hey, Hallelujah here is doing the best he can. I mean, based on his name, his parents clearly had bigger dreams for him, and it is not his fault you guys showed up two minutes before the show starts. Maybe next time, you'll show up ten minutes early without the attitude and the fidgety exhaling." She's my hero. After this inspiring speech, Hallelujah decides to make a fresh batch just for the girls.

The girls bump into the nerds inside the theater, and Max says she hopes she wasn't too hard on the particular boy she reprehended; she even complimented his cape. Caroline confesses that she is confused by superhero movies, so Max enlightens her on the subject: "So there's always a nerdy guy. And he's either been wronged or bitten or exposed to something toxic. It gives him superpowers. He's in love with a pretty girl who his rival tries to kill but then won't because they have to make another movie. Also, partial nudity, product placement, dope explosions, and a killer score by Hans Zimmer."
Suddenly, Max starts yelling at the screen because of the movie's inconsistencies, and Caroline suggests they go to another movie as she thinks Max didn't like the movie they're watching, but Max explains that "yelling at the screen is the best part of going to the movies, and more white people should learn that." Caroline notices Han sitting in the back of the theater with a guy and a girl, which makes her wonder if he's in a threesome. Han leaves, followed by the guy he was sitting next to. The girls decide to follow him, but not before Max yells at the screen for one last time. "Have fun being lied to," she says to the nerds.

The girls see Han going to the bathroom with the aforementioned man. "Is Han also a Republican senator?" Max questions. I wonder if this was directed at, say, a certain candidate who's currently running for
president. As they poke their head into the men's room, Caroline suggests that drugs are involved, since she doesn't hear sex sounds, and Han is not on the changing table. "Oh, look. Han's coming," Caroline says. "Aw, gross!" Max says in response. "No, no! I meant he's coming this way." HAHAHA. Caroline starts running, but Max tells her that's not necessary: "For him, every step we take is like a 100-meter dash." However, the girls are faced with bigger problems when they run into an usher who asks to see their tickets. Max just keeps walking, but Caroline is not as quick and ends up getting left behind. On top of that, the usher saw her going into another theater. Lucky for her (or not), Han shows up, so she pretends they're a couple and he has her ticket. The usher is surprised they're together, as he thinks Han seems too old for her. That is, until he's told that Han is 29 (meaning another "What?!"). Han can't find his ticket, though, and when the usher tells him that sneaking into a theater is a felony, he pees his pants. "Well, at least your fanny pack isn't the most embarrassing thing about you anymore," the usher says.

At the diner, after going to movie jail with Han ("Han-nie and Clyde", as she puts it), Caroline confronts Max about walking away from her at the theater, but she says it did give her one thing. "An obstructed view of my sweet, sweet ass?" Max asks (and nails it). "No, the satisfaction of knowing that you are just as selfish as me," Caroline says. She concludes that Max would never take a bullet for her, despite Max having said she would. "No one ever takes a bullet. It's just something people say that they don't mean, like 'how was your day?' or 'we'll stop if it hurts.'" That's so true, gurl. Finally, Caroline realizes that even though they're ruthless, they do put themselves second occasionally, like when Max let Caroline stay on her couch when she had no place to stay. But Caroline has trouble remembering a situation where she didn't put herself first. "Let me know when you find it," Max scoffs.

Sophie walks into the diner, this time to taunt Han: "I just have one question that I have to ask you. What is your favorite musical? Is it The Wiz?" Oh, dear. By the way, it was Oleg who told her about Han's unfortunate incident, while they were having phone sex. "And by phone sex, she means we were using the phone in the sex," Oleg adds. Sophie continues saying that a lot of older men can't control their bladder. "I am twenty-freaking-nine!" he exclaims, which sends Sophie cracking up. Han goes up to Max, saying he feels humiliated. Max, however, commends him for standing there like a man (and peeing his pants) instead of selling Caroline out. While they're at it, Max asks him why he was at the movies in the middle of the day. "Sometimes people bug me, and I need some time away," he answers. "You know what, Han? You're cool. We're gonna hang sometime." Han's face lights up. "Not now, not in a week," Max continues, "but in the future. Just sayin', I got my eye on you." See? Max can do nice as well.

Current total: $995.00


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