2 Broke Girls recap: And the Cupcake War

The diner is crowded with sweaty customers who just came from the Brooklyn Midnight Ride. "I smell diner success!" Han exclaims. "Really? 'Cause I smell baked crotch. Can balls fart? Because I feel like I'm smelling that too," Max says. Ugh, mental image alert. Since Oleg is too busy smoking weed (he claims it's medicinal and it helps with his "chronic erection") in the kitchen, Max and Caroline decide to take care of the orders themselves. "You do plates, buns, coleslaw. I'll do burgers, fries, and any guy who has no future," Max instructs Caroline. After Caroline goes out to serve the customers, Max asks Oleg for the herb so she can get a hit, but he's too high to even remember where he put it. All of a sudden, a very stoned Earl comes out of the freezer. Case solved.

Max shows us the many ways to take a hit

Max goes up to a table to serve a couple (the guy is really, really hot, by the way) and takes the opportunity to suggest a Max's Homemade Cupcake, but instead the girl asks about the cherry pie. Max tries to push her cupcakes again, and the girl says she's never heard of Max's Homemade Cupcakes. "I haven't either, and we know a lot," the hot guy says. "And yet you put that headband on this morning," Max retorts. Personally I wouldn't mind the headband, as long as he's not wearing anything else... The couple asks who Max is anyway. "She's Lance Armstrong's left nut," she answers, then walks away. Han, who was sitting nearby, tells Caroline about Max's incident, saying that "bitch needs to take it down a notch." "Bitch needs to mind his own business," Caroline warns Han, before going into the kitchen to question Max about blowing a possible cupcake customer. "You know I don't mix business with pleasure," Max says. HAHAHAHAH.


Caroline says they have to constantly keep pushing the cupcakes, which Max says she did: "I said my name to that table more times than my mother said it my entire life." Caroline shows how she usually sells them ("They're moist, delicious, creamy..."), until Max interrupts her: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am not a whore." "You're a cupcake whore, and right now I'm your pimp," Caroline announces. But when the girls reveal that they sold only two cupcakes each that night, Caroline says they're bad whores. "No, we are tired whores. We're just letting a few El Caminos drive by because our wrists are sore," Max wisely says. Meanwhile, Han is telling Sophie how the girls' business are at risk and that they're in the kitchen having a huge fight, but then runs away once Max and Caroline come out. Sophie suggests they could make some big money as Duza Day is coming up. "Duza Day is huge holiday in Polish community. When a Polish girl reaches 6 feet, you give her big party. I had mine when I was 7," Sophie explains. The more you know...

Headband hottie, if you're reading this: I have something moist, delicious and creamy just for you

At home, Max is in bed laughing while watching her favorite show, Cupcake Wars. Caroline asks what the show is about, and Max explains that it's a reality show on Food Network where teams make cupcakes and compete for money—more precisely, $10,000. Caroline asks her why they're not on it, and in response, Max points at a particular contestant, referred to as "dumb-dumb," who drops a pastry bag, citing her as the reason why they're not on the show. "I don't need some snarky bitch pointing at us on her TV going, 'Oh, look at that blonde dumb-dumb and her hot friend trying to do something,'" Max adds. Caroline insists that this might be the big push they need: "We wouldn't have to go car-to-car anymore, we could actually open a brothel." "If brothel's on the table, why don't we just forget about this cupcake thing? 'Cause that's a job I can do without pants," Max says. She reveals that she actually thought about it for a second when they first became a team, but then she remembered the world is a dead end and nothing good happens ever to anyone. "There's a gun in that drawer, you wanna just kill ourselves?" Still, Caroline manages to convince her to go on the show.

The next day, Caroline customizes T-shirts for them to wear for their audition tape. Max decides to give her T-shirt some "flave" by cutting it in order to show off some cleave. When Caroline considers cutting hers too, Max jokes, "If you have no car, why open the garage?" Caroline explains that after watching a ton of Cupcake Wars, she learned that the show is a lot about branding. "And what are we? The girl who knows how to make cupcakes and the girl who doesn't?" Max quips. Caroline says they'll actually be the two scrappy girls with so little you can't help but love them. "I hate them already," Max snarks. Oleg, who was enlisted by the girls to film their audition, arrives at their apartment with the equipment. "Why are your tops still on?" he asks, even though Max made it very clear that they wouldn't be making a porno. Sophie comes next, saying she got the girls a big Duza Day party, but it's for free, and Caroline thinks they shouldn't be taking free work right now because of the TV show.


Before shooting their audition, Max gives Caroline a list of lame things people say on every reality show that they can never say: "No fist bumping, no high fives. You can't tell me to 'bring it,' 'shut it down,' or 'put our cupcake business on the map.' You can't tell me to 'go, girl' or 'bring my A game,' and we don't 'got this,'" although Max assures that they do "got this." Max starts by introducing themselves and their company, Max's Homemade Cupcakes. "And by homemade, I mean, 'ho-made.'" LOL. Caroline shows their workplace: "This is our kitchen-slash-living room-slash-my bedroom..." "Slash my wrists, 'cause I'm trying to bake all night while she's sleeping over there," Max interrupts. Even Chestnut walks in out of nowhere. "That's our gimmick, try to beat that. Two girls with a horse," Caroline says. "And how is this not a porn film?" Oleg asks. Oh, dear.

"Ho-made!"

Max and Caroline soon find themselves at the Food Network studio auditioning to be on Cupcake Wars. The talent coordinating producer, Janis, shows up to tell the girls that she loved their tape, and they're about to start with the team intros. She also tells them to BYOB (meaning "bring your own brand"), saying that Max is "edgy with big boobs" and Caroline is the "try hard." "That's your brand. The muscle and the hustle. The double-D's and the ditz," Janis says. "I went to Wharton. I'm not a ditz," Caroline tells Max. "Well, you ain't the double-D's. Can you believe she openly commented on m'goods?" Max says. Hahahahaha, "m'goods"! Team one steps up to film their intro: they're two middle-aged women from New Orleans whose neighborhood was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina in 2005, and now they want to win Cupcake Wars so they can open a storefront in their neighborhood in hopes to put money back into their community. So basically, their brand is Katrina. "Even m'goods can't upstage that," Max remarks. Oh, gurl, your goods will always win.


When it's the girls' turn to film their intro, Max freaks out and wonders if naming the company after her will make her sound narcissistic. But Caroline tells her to just do their thing like they did at home. However, Max suddenly becomes camera-shy, while Caroline makes no effort to hold herself back: "They're 'ho-made.' Ha! Get it? 'Cause she's a ho! She's got the boobs, and I've got the brains." After Caroline launches into an awkward white-girl freestyle rap, Max, who's clearly uncomfortable, tries to run away, but Caroline pulls her back. Caroline even reveals that they bake because she lost all her money and Max's mother drinks! If this wasn't disastrous enough, the theme of the challenge is revealed to be soul food. "We got this, sister!" one of the women from Neighbor Cakes celebrates. "Sister, this is gotten!" the other "sista" replies. Max is not as confident, though: "Sister, we are screwed."


While the Neighbor Cakes ladies are obviously nailing it, Max and Caroline pretty much freeze in front of the camera. A
fter trying to run away once again, Max declares herself and Caroline as the dumb-dumbs. The other team is already putting their cupcakes in the oven, so the girls decide to take all the ingredients with them. "Just my luck to get soul food when I don't even have a soul," Max remarks. Caroline decides to do the baking, starting by pouring the milk into the mixer. However, when Caroline looks away for a second to talk to Max, she ends up spilling the milk everywhere.

Caroline tells Max to start tasting ingredients so they can figure out what they're making. First Max takes a bite of some cylindrical shit I couldn't identify, which "tastes like a foot," then she tastes some green thingy that happens to be "hot as the devil's ass." Suddenly, Caroline has an idea: "Forget we're on the show. Pretend we're in the diner, and Oleg is stoned, and we have all these ingredients and we just got slammed with people who all want cupcakes. What do you tell me to do?" Max then recalls that Ludacris (he still exists?) is always talking about how much he loves waffles with chicken, so she comes up with the idea of making a chicken and waffle cupcake. She tells Caroline to empty the mixer, but when Caroline turns it on, the batter that was in it starts splashing everywhere. "Look at the blonde dumb-dumb," Max says, laughing.

Is it just me or is Caroline forever destined to have batter splattered all over her?

As the girls return to the diner, Sophie congratulate them by throwing confetti at them, even though they didn't get picked. "We got hit by Hurricane Katrina," Max laments. But Sophie is not really happy about the girls having ditched the Duza Day thing for the spot on Cupcake Wars. "So you tried to take a shortcut to success and you end up with a mouth full of confetti," she says, after throwing confetti in Caroline's mouth.



On a side note, the confetti throwing reminded me of something.


Priceless. I must applaud whoever had such brilliant idea, even if it happened two years ago.

Caroline realizes that Sophie is right and they'll have to go back to doing it the hard way, one "car" at a time. "The tortoise and the whore," she says. "Well, what can I say, Caramel? By the way, that's your whore name," Max says. When Caroline calls Max "Cinnamon," Max says that she already has a whore name, and that's not it. "What is it?" Caroline asks. "Max, duh!" Max replies. BAHAHAHAHAH. I really do love her.

Current total: $1028.00

P.S.: I intend to review Ellie Goulding's new album Halcyon very soon, so stay tuned!

Comments

  1. There is No such thing as duza day :D they made it up for the movie :D I'm polish and never heard of something so silly :D

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