Online Dating for Awkward Social Rejects Like Me

When I originally went the way of the internet for dating, it was out of shyness and nothing else. Why? DUDE, DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN. I grew up already knowing I was a lost cause for the world of dating; why even bother. When I saw my sister's email one day in the late 90s- and to date myself further I will tell you it was YAHOO! while that was still apparently a thing- and saw the multitude of online dating emails she had in it (okay I doubt there were like a lot but I was 9 so I couldn't count) I was like MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL DO THIS.


of course, being 9, I only had romantic sights on one person in this doomed world of ours:






I stand by this: IT WOULD BE SWEET TO BE A DOCTOR'S WIFE, EVEN IF HE WAS ONLY A DOCTOR ON TV. Question:  why didn't it occur to me earlier in life I'd never be that heterosexual? Geez I wonder.


Well moving on.


I started "online dating" tentatively in college. Why, you ask? Because 8 out of 10 times, I find myself infatuated or drawn to girls. I believe sexuality to be some weird hippie Skittles rainbow I don't want to understand and furthermore was probably not hugged enough as a child so I have become some half-slut upon "maturing." I believe it was 2008 I signed up for an account? AND IMMEDIATELY I MET A WINNER.


Some Random Dude From Ohio: DO YOU WANT TO READ MY POETRY
me: no
me: I'm gonna switch orientations here so I don't have to deal with you and your general craziness
me: do you ever shave
Some Random Dude: HOW DARE YOU
Some Random Dude: I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU
Some Random Dude: AND YOUR DOG
me: my dog's ALREADY DEAD


*dramatic 1940s organ music hurr*


In the past, let me tell you, I've met some lovely people off the internet, via Fictionpress and whatever No Doubt fansites I used to frequent. There was a girl when I was like 14 I may have been in love with; she introduced me to Sleater-Kinney! Since then every now and then I get bored and google her, but all I can find is a deadjournal link. LOL DEADJOURNAL NEVER HAD ONE


speaking of online friends! I had a lot of those in high school as well. but not ones I'd ever meet. there was one girl I was very close to and I remember she told me once to give a popsicle to see if I'd like giving head (I didn't do it) and I stopped talking to her shortly thereafter.


So I had OKCupid for a few months which I felt REALLY REALLY REALLY DIRTY checking in the GOOD OLD SPECTATOR OFFICE. like my old editor would walk in and I'd have these little heart attacks dodging to shut the screen off.


I kept it for several months. I remember some boy in Boston said he was going to convert me. I think he was like that old Jimmy Fallon SNL skit of what someone from Boston is. Which is, um. RED SOX RED SOX BOO YANKIES






I left it because:
a.) OKCupid can be really weird unless you live in New York because like yelp there's a cult for it here. you know I could NEVER put my location down as Erie. why??? not only do the men kind of suck in Erie but the lgbt females are slim pickings too my friends. unless I wanted a lumberjack and believe me, despite my taste for plaid, lumberjacks are out of my realm of interests.


b.) I met a cool girl and wanted to focus on her. "met." you know. I'm a girl of letters. I'm like Emily Dickinson; I can fall in love through writing. This is not the case with most people. I am just a product of the 1800s:






I WILL BUY THE FLOWERS MYSELF TODAY. oh wait, I'm quoting the Hours. Shit.


2010:
Interpals/OKCupid/Juggalo Threesomes aka POF or Big Lots? You Decide! 


Well when things went sour in my romantic situation- whatever it was, sometimes these things do meet a lot to a person- have you ever read any Jane Austen? because I've never finished a book- it was winter and I was snowed in and trying not to kill myself, which meant listening to the Antlers a lot and reading Sylvia Plath poetry. so in some universe that makes sense. I went to a bar with a few friends (I ran away from the bar later and Jon had to grab me on some sidestreet where I was trying to use a payphone to call him) and I was asked to describe the future and called it "black." Incidentally I blame the newspaper. I call this my Sylvia Plath Winter in retrospect. This past winter was my Insurance Winter. Then they ended my assignment, I went to a hockey game and got incredibly drunk. But it is what it is.


I did not AT FIRST go back to OkCupid, this winter of Bell Jars et al. Instead I went to INTERPALZ (an international penpal website, haha). I've had some great experiences on interpals! One of the best things you can do is be intoxicated and talking to Asian men who want to sex you up. Or African men. These guys are great. I am not sure if they are robots or really do think I am going to pack up my life and move to Angola to raise goats and children with them. Most likely goats.


Here's a message I got off INTERPALS a few weeks ago from an American, oddly enough.


hi


hi wats up im mikey how are u how was your day today do you go on interpals alot and how do you like it u r very pretty by the way do you hav aol or aim and by the way are there ne people that are rude or disrepectful towards u by the way


I was actually touched he was going to go out of his way to hurt people for me. But then he disappeared. So I don't know who's gonna be the Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston now.


INTERPALS- I really wanted to collect Swedes via Interpals because I love dem Swedes. I found out, though, that Swedes were moderately okay with me (more true when I stepped foot into the ground country). The more I wanted to meet Swedes, the more Finns and Danes I ended up talking to. Now I like Finns and Danes better. See!


but that being what it is, I ended up meeting some really good friends off Interpals.


Not necessarily friends I would end up in relationships with, as you kind of envision with online dating, but I did first starting talking to Mike that winter, as well as several other people, including Simon, who decided to spend a very trippy week in Erie with me in which he discovered that it is preposterous there aren't more alcoholic writers in Erie. I've actually had a good run of luck with Interpals- I think the people that end up on that website usually have good intentions if they aren't from Africa and I've never met an African from the internet with good intentions. I have always put my Africans into Al's hands, and sometimes he tries to get them to have 3ways with us in exchange for some kind of dowry. I don't even think my own father would give me a dowry. I've seriously gained some awesome friends from that site and I'm grateful for it. Oddly.


The more interesting thing here though is going back to OKCupid, which I did because Mike was like WELL IT WORKS IN NEW YORK IT SHOULD WORK EVERYWHERE. If only what applied in New York applied in the rest of the country, particularly "Flyover Country" as some call it.


I don't remember if I started talking to anyone good on OKCupid at first. Probably not. So I opened a "Plenty of Fish" account because I saw it in a Lady Gaga video. "Telephone" yes THAT ONE. Do you know why it's called Plenty of Fish? Newsflash! THERE ARE A PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA THAT ARE UGLY HAVE MULTIPLE TATTOOS AND PROBABLY CAT FETISHES. And they all gather, in their Mickey Mouse sweatshirts, ON THAT WEBSITE.


my first week there I had more creepy troll-looking ladies hit me up than ever before. All of a sudden I got these messages like "Hot4Sun55 wants to meet you!" AND OH GOOD GOD. But it didn't stop there! NO, the Juggalos also understood the wonders of this website, when not celebrating ICP or Charlie Sheen's advent as their new god (see:  gathering of the juggalos). 


One Juggalo maiden approached me that her and her boyfriend STEVE were looking for a 3some partner. Apparently I was just their type, so I could spend the weekend in Girard at their campground probably getting shit-tay on cheap beer and Faygo so they could both grope me and stick things into my various orifices, like, well. Sticks. 


I did not respond to this message. Why? I watch Dateline:  I've seen missing persons cases. 




Also these Juggalos on the bus once told me I have a nice, soft voice (I do) and they wanted to "fuck" (I respond to "make love" unless you are Mila, because then it is what it is, again) me. Pass, pass, pass.


POF though actually provided me with one cool girl, later in the summer. I was really happy about her for a while, because she lived nearby, was getting her masters, seemed normal. I thought I could probably hang out with her. And then she balked and I was a little heartbroken. We still talk, but ain't nothing happening there. D'oh. I'm in a relationship and she lives near Rochester. c'est la vie.


POF provided me with another interesting candidate, early this winter. This ridiculously attractive girl- in Urrrrie of all ungodly places- wanted to meet me! Me! ME! I didn't even get asked to prom! Now to be fair, I had a relevalation about life this past winter. I thought I can stay prematurely miserable or I can try and kind of enjoy what I can of it. Somewhat okay guys ask me on dates, I accept. We see movies, sometimes make out, I get free food and alcohol out of the deal. BOOM SOLD. Thanks, 3 Erie men, for being so nice!




Then this girl wanted to meet me and hang out and do whatever (i.e. watch FRIENDS and do hair? YEAH RIGHT SO RIGHT) so I went to meet her and she was not there. I kind of looked around the coffeeshop distraughtly before taking off. Then I realized she was probably a fake account. I grew bitter and the next time she got a hold of me blew her skank ass off. Real or not, who knows. She certainly wasn't the best french fry in the happy meal. Rule number one of online dating, this side of "don't go with someone on an international sex perverts list:"  you can always do better. you're worth it baby; YOU ARE GOLD. YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY.


Oh Mother Monster why do all things come back to you?


Life took off a lot faster when I moved here. And stopped online dating, or trying to, altogether. Now I use OKCupid to collect friends and actually met one sweet guy off it who I go to shows with sometimes and so forth. And it helps because I don't know that many people in New York yet.




 no reason for that:  I do miss my mom. And hope she does not read this post.


but, most men think that when you are on a dating site, regardless of your relationship status, you want to be boned. it's a bit flattering, yeah. but it's also disturbing and somewhat annoying. I look at most males and am unphased to begin with, even if they want to tap Rashida Jones as badly as I do and use this as our common and shared goal:


One man- LongIsland42, let's call him- about that age- offered to text me or sext me or "whatever it iz these kids do these days ;)."


another guy asked me:  "Y R U ON DATING SITE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DATE." True he has a point. BUT THERE'S A FRIENDS OPTION ASSHOLE.


and a lovely man promised to spoon with me during the Office in his apartment overlooking Lincoln Center. He looked a lotttttttttt like Jeff Daniels. In my imaginings of his apartment, a lot of smooth jazz is always playing. I didn't respond to this message, haha. Why would I? Jeff Daniels is like one of my least favorite actors ever. JEFF BRIDGES FOR LIFE YO


As for Craigslist, that other option


Even "Strictly Platonic" means "I want your phone number let's fuck in the bushes by Central Park." 


Such is the world we live in. Ideally, I dreamt of going to a bookshop to meet my other half. You know who I meet in bookshops? Old people and people I went to middle school with WHO I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO AGAIN. ("Oh! Brittany! You didn't die yet? Cool!") 


conclusion:
online dating is okay. it's not for everyone, even if I've had some degree of success with it. real life works for those who aren't as awkward and as shy as I am. Whenever I meet a celebrity I am in awe of, for example, I turn to stuttering gelatin. So, yeah. It also helps to have good dating experiences as a kid- I wasn't even kissed til I was 21. BEING A LATE BLOOMER? SUCKS. SUCKS A LOT. 


Ima dedicate this song to online dating now:


Comments

  1. Wow, how do I begin a response?

    1. Swedes rule...but Danes rule more. I'm working on two Danes as I type this....someone is gonna be eating a CreamCheese Danish tonight!!

    2. Jeff Daniels probably sucks at sex.

    3. Do you think that there is someone on the internet writing blogposts about us like how we're quoting them?

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1.) GET IT

    2.) I wouldn't be surprised.

    3.) Al: I sincerely hope so.

    ReplyDelete

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