In honor of my various ex-wives!

Perhaps you've heard that the best sitcom on network TV currently, Parks and Recreation, has just added the awesome awesome awesome Patricia Clarkson (FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS) to their line-up for this coming season as Ron Swanson's psychotic first wife, Tammy No 1. Tammy No 2, we all know, is played by the brilliantly psycho Megan Mullally of Will and Grace fame. And Ron Swanson's real life wife, actually!

That being said, I was inspired to write a post dedicated to my ex-wives through the years, in honor of this amazing development. Patricia Clarkson is who I want to age into, by the way. Which will prob happen because I have good genes on my mother's side.


Oh, sweet Jane, as the Velvets used to say! We met in the 1970s on the NBC back lot. I was trying to desperately get high out of an old shoe. And there she was, offering me a bong and some Pink Floyd lps. She asked if I had ever gotten high to Dark Side of the Moon while watching Citizen Kane. I asked, "don't you mean Wizard of Oz?" To which she stared at me with blank eyes. The sex was good, but we had a falling out over whether or not Orson Welles resembled a taco while high.

1979 - 1983
Sometimes I see her at Whole Foods and wince.


To be fair, I was getting high out of a shoe when I married the Cosby actress. She was very disciplined, and very kind, but also very controlling. She explained to me I could only wear my hair up ONE day a week. I was so bewildered! Like, should it be Tuesday? Should it be Thursday? When she wanted to adopt a blind Labrador and I developed a drinking/cocaine/Muppets problem, we went our separate ways. 

1985 - 1986


This was a mistake. I brushed her hand while reaching for Ayn Rand at the Barnes and Nobles in Boston. Three months later, after having discovered God but mostly Ayn Rand and abandoning my substance addictions, we were getting married by the justice of the peace. He asked me what gender I was and I responded burgundy. Jhumpa and I are still great friends, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure she dedicated the Namesake to me.

1990 (six months)



A day in 1992

WIFE NO 5:  The girl from the Cranberries

This ended when I rightfully predicted, while we walked hand-in-hand in the park some enchanted Wednesday, "I don't think you are going to have a career when the 1990s end."

1996 - 1999

So there you have it! Eat your heart out, Ron Swanson! 


Post a Comment