Jessica on stripping and why Arkansas is more useless than this blogspot!

An interview with a person that I know.

Jessica is seriously one of the most interesting people I have ever met. She is someone I'd like to keep in my freezer for the rest of my life. She's witty, intelligent, beautiful, and hilarious. One day she will be more famous than me, Chuck Palahniuk, or anyone this side of Bristol 
Palin's new face.



I'm fly like an F-14. I live a dual life as Katy Perry. I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Oscar Wilde is my dead gay lover. I am currently hatching a plan to kidnap Hugh Laurie. I really enjoy Heineken and good conversation. I would love to travel, but not in an annoying, sanctimonious bitchy way like Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm actually pretty good at baking yummy things. Among my prized possessions are a dead bat pressed under glass on my mantle, a signed copy of Allen Ginsberg's "Cosmopolitan Greetings," and a half naked picture of Marilyn Monroe in my kitchen. I can do pretty nifty things on a pole. However I cannot, contrary to urban legend, teach you how to Dougie. (:/) 

2.) What's going on in your life, as of the moment?

QUITE A BIT ACTUALLY. Ah, I'm in the process of moving to a new house, applying to college, and training for a new "real" job, which will most likely prove to be interesting. I have a difficult time remembering to keep my breasts inside my shirt. I'm also raising an amazing kid (she really is amazing - she likes to sing Katy Perry songs and hold complex conversations with my dogs in woofs. She also dances whenever she hears Cee Lo Green and she responds to the name Little Ninja Monster of Doom.) I'm also reading voraciously, unfortunately nothing of much substance, just hilariously bad young adult fiction while I try to resuscitate my writing ability. I also have lots of sex.

3.) What's the weirdest thing that has happened to you?

That's a good question. Whenever I think my life has become boring, I find myself exchanging stories with people and realize I've actually done and continue to do some pretty awesome things. I used to have an old guy who followed me from club to club and paid me to crush his nether parts with my heels. Apparently I am a natural at ball crushing and a Goddess.. Obviously I list this under special skills on all my resumes. I also convinced a customer that my father was Steven Seagal, who impregnated my mother, a Russian ballerina who was an extra on the set of Out to Kill. However, since I was illegitimate and he had a wife at the time, we never fully formed a relationship. He does send me cases of his energy drink and signed copies of his DVD every year on his birthday though. The guy wound up giving me all his money because Steven Seagal is his favorite actor and I was the amazing daughter of "THE MAN." I am also wonderful to have around at dinner parties because I have way more stories to tell. <- this is so true

4.) What are some common misconceptions of being a stripper?

I know the majority of people hold the belief that strippers are lazy, whores, drug abusers, etc. While there are girls who fit this bill, there are also others who are wonderful women, attempting to support their kids, put themselves through school, and just make a life for themselves in a way that's a bit different from the norm. Some of the most intelligent people I have met have been in strip clubs. I have met some of my best friends dancing in clubs. While there's always going to be dancers who adhere to the common stereotype of the stripper, there really are some of us who have more to them than you think.

5.) What's your favorite part of your job?

Honestly, I love dancing. I love being able to express myself through dance and have had the pleasure of working with DJs who would rather play me Metric and TV on the Radio than some banal pop song. I've also met some fascinating people through my job that I wouldn't have come into contact with otherwise. People who are on the edges or outskirts of things are just that much more fun.

6.) In 2012, where do you hope to be?

RAPTURED. Or Charlie Sheen's assistant.

7.) What's the most unnecessary state?

Arkansas. I mean, really.

8.) Where were you when Osama supposedly died?

Making meth and grenades in my garage while watching the Jenna Haze collection. Same thing Osama was doing.


I am chuffed to bits by your badonkadonk.