Not Skateboard Davey or Glenn Danzig Davey, but all of the Davies since then. The Davies we’ve loved. When you were growing up and were getting old enough for your parents to start leaving you home alone, did you find ways to revel in this new freedom? How many times did you wrap a yellow towel around your head and make high heels out of soda cans to become a beautiful lady? Every time? Yes, yes you did. Although, like myself, you’re not in fourth grade anymore and have outgrown this, which is why, after salon-working women have again stolen my money, I become Davey Havok.
Sometimes I want to be glamourous, and reprise 2004 Davey. People still remember I am thoughtful, because my last LP borrowed its title from a Billy Collins book, but my latest album has lost its underground credibility. What to do! Davey grew his hair and creatively displayed his tattoo sleeves. If you are feeling hum-drum and frumpy, all you need to get this look is a black towel to wrap around your head and maybe some black American Apparel, but watch it on the eye make-up! When you were in fourth grade, you probably hosted your favourite stuffed animals to dinner parties, but now that you are hair-era Davey, what you will want to do stand on your coffee table to recreate the “Silver and Cold” video and read from your nearest Baudelaire collection.
Every now and then, the stylist has listened to my requests for asymmetry and it seems like I am on the verge of almost having what I told her to do, but it was done artlessly and looks forced, like I am trying to achieve a style I do not understand. This is usually when I opt for the next Davey, the one who wore actual sleeves and glitter make-up. This is a means to embrace the disaster I just paid $25 for because there is nothing that can be done, so I decide to just go with it. Once putting in a lot of mousse, you can get the military jacket you never wear from the back of the closet and stand on your kitchen counter while shouting at the cats. This is basically what happens in “Miss Murder,” although the actual video is much sillier! There are even bunnies! Glittery fascist rallies and bunnies! Sparkle-era Davey does not get fapped to very often.
It’s days like today, though, where I try to be Current-most Davey. Even though my new album is forgotten as it’s being listened to, I no longer feel the need to display my fondness of Samhain’s debut through my personal appearance. I want to be sleek and fashionable; I want my hair to communicate I am interesting and cultured while remaining tasteful. Perhaps I will delight others while slipping “November’s Fire” onto a mixtape because how could someone like me listen to something like that! I have James Dean hair and tailored suits! This is a difficult Davey to achieve, so it’s important to remember he’s basically just Madonna by this point. Those old wedding clothes in the attic, worn while running around in the garage while listening to “Medicate,” like so loud will do just fine for now. Avoid the gold highlights found in the video, these are tacky. Challengingly, Davey’s hair does not look like a weird parody of something this time— I can look at this Davey and take him seriously and this is such a problem!
WHAT TO DO: Breath. Settle. It’s ok. Davey Havok has still not transcended being a home alone outfit no matter how debonaire he may have become. Remember the giant angel wings drawn onto his back because, unlike glitter and shouting at bunnies, these are things which have no escape. Even when fussing with my new shapeless hair this morning and unable to decide which Davey to be while feeling too hopeless to even try being Current-most Davey, I thought about the wings and promptly pinned a pair of pillowcases, alliteratively, to my shirt to achieve True Davey; his skateboard era may be dead to him and I'm going to assume the same for the glitter, but I suspect crushed soda cans belong to his past and there's no getting away from that.